Could it have been different?

Almost since the moment we decided to induce, I've wondered if I was making the right choice. I didn't want P.itocin or an epidural. I especially didn't want a c-section. But here I am, a week and a few days out from experiencing all three, by my choice (my doctor may have been the one who said we were doing a c-section but I'm the one who signed the consent). I've tried not to think about it too much, but I was surprised by the quick ease with which I consented to all the interventions I wanted to avoid. So this has been on my mind a bit over the last week or so.

The decision to induce was the culmination of a few different factors. I've spent a lot of time writing about how we knew Emmett was going to be a big baby. Sometimes I think it seemed like his size was a bit of an obsession. But it really wasn't. I knew he'd be born one way or another. However, after sitting at one centimeter dilated for a week, I was worried that we could go a long time waiting for Emmett to decide to be born. How big would he be if we waited? If I insisted on going the full 42 weeks, he could have been 11 pounds. Not a desirable size for natural birth. Not to mention, I'd be going to L&D for biophysical feedback tests at least twice a week until I delivered. Also not desirable. Then there was my blood pressure, which was only getting worse. My body wasn't dealing well with my pregnancy anymore and I was headed for bed rest. Induction just made more sense to us than waiting.

The decision to get the epidural is the only one I regret and really, I just regret not waiting a little longer to get it. My L&D nurse knew I was planning to get one when I needed it and I felt like she pressured me a little to just get it and be done with it. If I was going to get one anyway, why wait? Sometimes I wonder if that's what stalled my labor since I got the epidural and my labor stalled at five centimeters. Crys had asked if the epidural would do that and the nurse told us that the p.itocin would keep my contractions coming so that wasn't a risk. Still, I regret not trying to stick it out a little longer, even though my options for pain management were limited. I could have gone for narcotics, but I didn't want to deal with the high and lows that come with narcotics and my understanding is that you still feel the pain, you just don't care. If I was going to get pain meds, I was going the full monty and getting the epidural.

My decision to go ahead with the c-section was also the culmination of a few different factors. The p.itocin was working, my contractions were strong and regular. The nurse explained that I should have been dilating, but I wasn't. The OB told me she could feel a pointy little head trying hard to make progress, but I wasn't. I could have requested to stay on the p.itocin overnight. With the epidural, I could have gotten plenty of sleep. Because I was on an epidural pump, I didn't feel highs and lows of pain relief. It was continuous. I would have slept just fine. But how long could Emmett stand the p.itocin? I didn't want my desire to avoid a c-section put him at risk, especially with his irregular heartbeat. The irregularity is gone now, but his heart skipped every couple of beats the entire time I was in labor and for three of four days after delivery. After he was born he was on a heart monitor overnight and had an EKG. Not to mention, my blood pressure was elevated, which is normal (to a point) during labor but my readings were getting to the point where I was at risk for seizures.

Sometimes when I sit down and think about my labor experience, especially the way I wrote about it in this blog, I forget how many factors affected my decisions. I start to think it could have been different, that I could have had the experience I wanted after all. But of everything I decided before going into labor, there were only two things I was not going to back down on. 1. The outcome I wanted, regardless of anything in my birth plan was a healthy baby and for me to be healthy 2. I would not fight my doctor. After nine months of appointments, Crys and I both trusted her to do what was best for me and the baby. If she said I needed a c-section, that's what I needed.

So in the end, I don't regret my experience. Sure, my recovery is probably more difficult than if I'd been able to deliver naturally. Even with pain medication, I still feel pain in my incision when I get in and out of chairs or bed. I feel it when I cough, sneeze or laugh. I can't carry anything heavier than my son and he's actually more than I'm supposed to lift. I can't carry laundry downstairs. A trip to the grocery store was almost too much for me. But I have a fat, healthy baby I absolutely adore. In the end, that's enough to make it all worth it.